Tales of Wonderlost

I'm a Korean-American adoptee living in Seoul, just finished my MA in Anthropology (yes, i took all of my classes in Korean TT). In my spare time, I volunteer at two great organizations: Korean Unwed Mothers' Families Association (KUMFA) and the Women's Global Solidarity Action Network (WGSAN) - a group that works on various issues, including with the survivors of military sexual slavery during WWII ("Comfort Women"). I also love cooking and baking and going to the noraebang ^^ To make a monthly donation to the Korean Unwed Mothers' Families Association, please click below!!
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Posts tagged "adoption"

THIS. this is exactly why white parents of children of color can NOT pretend that racism doesn’t exist. it is your job to understand and prepare your child for the racism they WILL face and you will need help from a larger community that actually has experienced that racism, which is why you are irresponsible if you have made no efforts to connect your child with their ethnic community:

"Still, "we never talked about race growing up," Landau tells his mother, Patsy Hathaway, on a visit to StoryCorps. "I just don’t think that was ever a conversation."

"I thought that love would conquer all and skin color really didn’t matter," Hathaway says. "I had to learn the really hard way when they almost killed you."

That was in 2009, when Landau, then a college student, was stopped by Denver police officers and severely beaten.”

I'm so angry. So I'm black, and my siblings are too, but my parents (adoptive) are white, right? And every time I bring up something about racism, my mom goes off on how she can't be blamed for all the bad things white people have done, or that I should stop bringing race into it, and stuff like that. I'm honestly feeling so attacked in my own home and I don't know how to deal with it. I know it's not that bad sounding but it sucks. And she knows how strongly I feel about racism.
peaceshannon peaceshannon Said:











I usually agree with 100% of what this page does, but imagine how your mom feels? Like, I would imagine she adopted you guys in hopes that she’d at least feel connected to you guys as family despite the separation of race. It probably makes her uncomfortable speaking about it, and she probably understands how important it is to you. However, she might just want you to stop because she feels just as attacked.

Yes because white privilege includes never having to confront any uncomfortable parts of reality! And certainly as an adult it’s never your responsibility as a parent to do the hard work so that your kids can have their needs met. Oh wait, none of that is true! Now please shut the entire fuck up.

Listen, don’t fucking look for trouble going through the notes. It’s obvious that you did. Secondly, it was rebuttal to the asker, NOT YOU, and your dumb ass passive aggressive tone was not necessary. Finally, don’t fucking tell me about white privilege because I don’t have it, and as humans, everyone has to face with the uncomfortable parts of reality.Now  get your special snowflake, angry about every thing in life, wanna-be activist ass OFF my blog.

Fuck you. Your bullshit prioritizing of the adult’s feelings over the child’s and your antiblack logic. I promise you I have no problem reading ignorant ill raised asshats like you for the filth that you are & apparently want to stay. You read the notes looking for trouble and now you’ve found it! Yaay! I hope you get everything in life that people as shitty as you deserve.

So… white adult gaslights their black adoptive child on matters of racism, and black adoptive child gets told to “just think about her feelings.”

That doesn’t sound like abusive dynamics at all.

…No wait. It does. And it is.

This is why I don’t trust white folks adopting poc children at all.

They do nothing to prepare themselves or their children for the realities of white supremacy and how it affects ALL LEVELS OF THEIR LIVES.

And then these children have literally no defenses against it. They often come out on that New Black mentality and when the racism finally comes around and slaps them in the face, they have no place for support.

Why blame the whole race or the whole community when the ones who is creating trouble is just the minority. Dont do that. Dont be that person. Those feelings of hate and angry might get you somewhere you wouldnt want to be in .

Because that’s essentially what social justice warriors on Tumblr do. They’d rather a kid not have a home at all than get adopted by a person of a different race because of things like this right here. There are quite a few of them who’d be happy to see all white people commit suicide, let me tell you. And if you’re a POC and don’t agree with them, you’re a traitor.

The both of you need to shut the fuck up. If you knew anything about the lives of transracial adoptees and fosterees you’d know that:
A) this white mother is typical, and it gets way worse as time goes on
B) because of the ignorance of white parents, the internet is one of the few places transracial adoptees/fosterees can have our voices heard
C) the ‘would you rather have been left in a ditch’ rhetoric is a myth used to shut down any criticism we have of white supremacy or the adoption industrial complex.
Before you continue spreading your ignorant opinions, do some fucking research. That doesn’t mean continue to read white parents’ pov or mistake anyone who disagrees with you and white supremacy as “sjws.” What it means is listen to/read any of the comments by actual transracial adoptees in the comments, read our blogs, fucking educate yourself or shut the fuck up.

This was a submission about a transracial adoptee feeling uncomfortable and attacked in her own home because her adoptive mother refuses to acknowledge racism and yet a bunch of whiny assholes are trying to shut her down because how dare she look to her mother for guidance and support. How are you even a fucking parent if you put your own feelings before your child’s? 

oh my god, read the whole thread. this is EXACTLY the type of bullshit that transracial adoptees have to face ALL THE TIME. the adoptee is being real about the racism that she faces as a black adoptee and that her white mother ignores and the people telling her she should try to think about it from her adoptive mother’s point of view - so fucking infuriating. HOW ABOUT THE WHITE MOM SHOULD HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT FROM HER POINT OF VIEW. oh wait, the impetus is on adoptees because we should be grateful that we were even adopted! it’s alllllll in there. perfect perfect thread of the bullshit we deal with.

to adoptive parents who feel no moral issues with posting the private stories and histories of their adopted children and their first families (some even making money off it from writing books and sponsored blogs to photo exhibitions, etc.), take note: it is never ok without express, informed consent. and as the article points out, no a child of 6, 10, 14 (esp one who has internalized the need to feel grateful) cannot give informed consent about having their private histories open to the public. if you don’t think your child is old enough to manage their own SNS account, then you acknowledge they don’t fully understand how permanant and public it can be and therefore are unable to make an informed decision about what they are putting online. until they are of the age that you believe they can do that, you should realize they can’t give informed consent to you either. once they’re of the age they can give informed consent, it is then THEIR decision and THEIR story to tell, NOT yours.

"Had the Internet been so easy (type, point, click!) when my children were growing up, I could have posted some great stories that other parents could have learned from and perhaps admired. I would have been wrong to do so, especially as an adoptive parent. I would have been wrong to sacrifice, eternally and publicly, my children’s privacy and their personal stories for the sake of Internet strangers.

Making money from it would have been even more sordid.

My becoming a mother meant my children had to lose the family into which they were born. Regardless of how we might be tempted to assess the quality of life with and without the original family, it is a significant loss. It reverberates through childhood and adolescence, right into adulthood. Not only did they lose their original family, they often also lost the physical resemblance, the heritage, the family stories, the knowledge of genetic and medical issues, the siblings, the grandparents: all the things that we non-adopted people take for granted.

What right do I have to create further losses for my children by taking their personal histories and handing them over to strangers, via the Internet, the newspaper, or a book?And not just to thousands of strangers—what about neighbors, teachers, co-workers, future employers, future boyfriends/girlfriends?

I reject out of hand the argument that my children’s stories might help others, and so that is a good enough reason for overt public sharing. I do not believe that the benefits for strangers should be placed on the backs of our children’s stories.”

"Adoptees are accused of many things wallowing in self-pity, not being thankful for the parents and family that we were assigned via adoption, and a multitude of other sins including being ungrateful, disrespecting our adoptive parents by searching, and interrupting our biological families with our "curiosity". But, that one accusation that really really sticks in my craw is when we are accused of having a victim mentality.

I think for many adoptees we have grown weary of being told how to feel. Adoption has been painted as a win win for all parties and a wonderful way to create families for so long the under belly of adoption not been revealed. Adoption is steeped in mystery, secrets, and lies especially considering the history of the closed records system and the propaganda of the profitable industry of adoption.

Loss is loss. You don’t tell someone who lost a leg be thankful for their prosthetic, or tell someone who has lost one kidney to be glad still have one left, or someone who lost a child that they have others to be thankful for. Even IF there is some reason to be thankful for that it doesn’t diminish the initial trauma and loss. Loss, is loss, is loss, is loss and will always BE loss. Some losses are greater than others certainly. We can measure and compare them, but they are all still loss. Yes, what we do with it makes the difference but that will never erase the initial loss.”

this child was sent for adoption without her mother’s consent (like my sister and me). her mom has been searching for her for years with no success.

"Anyone involved in international adoption is aware of the role of money. Adoptions cost around $30,000-$40,000. Children who are adopted internationally have birth families that are poor, some more abjectly than others. Children who are adopted internationally have adoptive families who are way better off economically than their birth families. Yes, there are exceptions, but that’s a reality in most cases, whether you were born in Korea, China, Haiti, Russia, Ethiopia, Guatemala, or India. It’s a definite imbalance of power.

Adoptive parents often hold fundraisers to get the thousands of dollars they need to adopt internationally. Friends, family, and strangers contribute. Many of the parents then claim the adoption tax credit after the child is with them, and that way get reimbursed by the US government for the airfare, hotels, meals, and other adoption expenses.

I’m holding a fundraiser, but it’s not for adoption. It’s for family preservation in my home country of Ethiopia. I was placed for adoption not because I was an orphan, or because my parents had died, but because they were poor.

I have told myself I was done fighting with time, I cannot reclaim the past, and I am ready to move forward. Moving forward has meant not obsessing over every specific detail of what happened and what was lost. It’s a struggle.

I’m not giving up on the struggle, and I am happy that I now know my Ethiopian family. They are happy that I grew up safe and healthy, with a good education. Still, I’ve seen the heartache that adoption has caused each of us, in different ways. These days, I ask myself often what I can focus on. What can I do to fix a broken system, which had failed my first family and many other Ethiopian families like mine? A system that means mothers must lose their children perhaps forever, that sends children to an orphanage, simply because their parents are too poor to keep them. I decided to open my eyes to my pain and that of first mothers and fathers. I’m not weeping anymore; I’m working.”

"돈도 없고, 어린 미혼모가 키우면 아이가 불행해진다. 대신 아이를 입양 보내면 거기서 잘 먹고, 잘 입고, 공부도 다 시켜주고, 공주처럼 행복하게 할 수 있다"는 것이었다. 김씨는 "처음엔 아이를 보낼 생각이 없었지만 자꾸 그런 말을 들으니 그 말이 진짜라고 생각하게 됐다"고 말했다.

김씨는 1979년 친권을 포기한다는 각서를 쓰면서 아이가 원할 경우 언제든지 친엄마를 찾을 수 있도록 본인의 이름과 본적 등 자세한 인적 사항을 적었다. 하지만 수정씨의 입양 서류에는 친엄마에 대한 정보가 전혀 남아 있지 않았다고 했다. 수정씨는 ‘노량진경찰서 앞에서 버려졌음’이라고 기록된 단 한 줄의 정보와 함께 1980년 미국으로 입양됐다.

김씨는 아이를 입양 보낸 뒤 자신의 결정이 잘못됐다는 것을 깨닫고, 밀려오는 죄책감에 시달렸다. 지금의 남편과 결혼을 해 아들 딸 낳고 남부럽지 않게 살았지만 시시때때로 떠오르는 큰 딸 수정씨에 대한 기억 때문에 고통의 응어리가 남았다.

밤마다 아이를 찾는 꿈을 꾸다 울면서 깨는 바람에 김씨는 “그만 잊으라”는 남편과도 많이 싸웠다. 김씨는 “딸과 연락이 닿은 뒤 내 사진을 보내달라 길래 사진을 찾아봤는데 평생 웃고 찍은 사진이 없더라”며 “시간을 되돌릴 수 있다면 아이를 데리고 길에서 굶어 죽더라도 내가 직접 키웠을 것”이라고 말했다.


"They told me, ‘You don’t have any money, if you raise her as a young unwed mom, your child will become unhappy. Instead, send her for adoption and she will eat well and wear nice clothes and be able to study and live happily like a princess.’ At first I had no intention to send her for adoption but after hearing that over and over I started to believe it” Kim said. 

Kim signed the relinquishment papers in 1979 and she filled out all of her personal information in detail, in order that her daughter would be able to find her if she ever wanted to. But, there was no information about her left on her daughter Sujeong’s adoption records. Sujeong was sent for international adoption in 1980 with only one line of information in her records, “Abandoned in front of the Noryangjin police station.” 

Kim says that she realized that she had made the wrong decision after she sent her daughter for adoption and she struggled with the guilt that flooded her afterwards. After getting married, she had a son and daughter, and has lived a comfortable life but a bitter pain always remained whenever she remembered her daughter Sujeong. 

Every night, she would wake up crying after dreaming of her daughter coming back to find her, which would cause her to fight often with her husband when he told her to “Forget about it.” After contact was reestablished with her daughter, Kim says, “My daughter asked me for a picture. So I looked all over for a picture to send her. I realized there are no pictures of me smiling after I sent my daughter for adoption. If I could turn back time, I would go back and get my daughter and raise her, even if it meant we would’ve starved on the street together.” 

so, a few months ago, a couple northwestern students flew all the way to korea and followed me around and filmed me. luckily, they didn’t film only me but also lots of people that are way cooler than me, so the film shouldn’t be a total boring wash of me playing with my dogs and baking cookies. anyways, they kindly sent me the first minute of the documentary that they are currently editing (i’m sure they had to edit me A LOT - you might’ve noticed, i talk too much). was pretty pleased with the way they edited me to make me sound more articulate than i do in real life (i’m sure they had to cut a lot of “like” and “ummm”)

posting for those of you who are interested (also, that is NOT the title of the documentary, they know about the other documentary called, “adopted - the documentary”)

I had emailed the lady who had performed our private investigation and asked about some of the content of the report. She responded back with news that sent chills down my spine. 

The dishonesty began a very long time ago unknown to us and knowing more about the case now, it screams child trafficking and corruption. The kind you watch and read about in the media and cringe…the kind where you just wonder how in the world did this get so tangled? There is so much more to the story that there is no way to explain it all in a blog post and honestly thats now not my story to tell. The family felt hopeless, but when asked privately, they said they WANT their daughter and granddaughter, if only they could support her financially. At first thought, I said to myself, “well, they can’t financially care for her, so she can’t stay there.” But the more John and I thought about it, the worse and worse we felt.

Poverty alone is never a reason to adopt. It’s not right, it’s not ethical, and it’s certainly not biblical. We said from the beginning, we wanted to commit ourselves to an ethical adoption, one in which the mother and father are deceased or if alive, want nothing to do with their child.  A Ugandan child that has a mother that wants her should be with her mother. Period. And if we truly are caring for orphans and widows as we were originally called to do, then it certainly isn’t taking someone’s baby due to poverty.  

I can’t even begin to explain the life lessons I learned in regard to poverty, the AIDS epidemic and the stigma associated with it, African culture, adoption corruption, and what it means to truly submit to control. I have learned how selfish I really am, how the feeling of helping someone who can do nothing for me is more fulfilling than any fleeting feeling of buying more for myself, that my problems really aren’t problems, that I complain too much, that I had no clue before what true need is, that I should never judge a book by its cover and the person in need that we tend to overlook may also be the very one who saves us.

huge respect for this adoptive family who decided to do the right thing and reunite the child with their family after they discovered corruption and trafficking in the child’s history and also learned that the child’s mother DID want to raise her daughter. 

many of the earliest adoptees (after the wave of war orphans) were the product of gijichon women and US soliders.